Thursday, July 29, 2004

wtf? my new moto

wtf? i cant f*in sleep, and i dream the shit out of my self. actually too f*in much, i'm startin to freak the fuck out. dammit

posted by deryke @ 1:04 AM

Sunday, July 25, 2004

setting myself UP \m/ (*_*)\m/


the question at hand is have i been setting myself up for failure?

i'm not sure. for years now, since i was 21 or so, i have had this thing. i dont date girls that are too much older or younger (usually 5-4 years or so). now im not sure that this important, but in the recent past i have dated a woman my own age (30ish now) and always thought maybe our ages had something to with where we may be in life and that it may somehow contribute to the chances for long term happiness. hmmmm, was i right? NO. this particular woman was in a diiferent place than me. even though we split for obvious reasons the bottom line seemed to be that she wasnt done with her life, and that was very clear.

so what now? nothing really theses are things that dont really matter. the real question is was my original idea in any way correct? i still dont know. but check this out ...

recently i met a young woman who seemed to really spark my fancy. good enough right? probably... or is it? now i find a once confident man about town, scared to call her, im no looker or am i even very suave(trust me, my ex let me know that when she left) , but i get the job done. i am not sure this is the way i should feel. or is it? i think i may have trained myself to be this way, with an unreal expectation on myself to date within the perscribed direction. is this a case of a man training himself to be less of a man to satisfy the statis quoe? maybe. actually yes... hmmmmm. can i stop the madness? we'll see

posted by deryke @ 11:46 PM

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

the neatest thing justHAPPENED

the neatest thing just happened on the way home from a birthday.

maybe i am just getting old but the sheen of car has become important. my car is not new, my car is great, my car is not bad. well aside from waxing poetic about my ride, the neatest thing just happened on the way home from a birthday party. after the ocean, after the bridge, after the speed trap, i come into town. as i round the corner on a lonely street, thinking lonely thoughts, in the distance i see a fountain. a shower with force and velocity soaking the street like in picture of east coast youth. i slow almost without thought, and pull to the side and indulge in well deserved shower.

it was goood .... :)

as i pull out refreshed and looking at life in a new way, i see in the distance a pair of head lights pulling into my lane. a cop, was the first flash of thought. so i move on quickly with my hands at ten and two. i look in the mirror to make sure that my fate was sealed. i see my fellow motorist slow, and have a bath as well.

that was the neatest thing.

posted by deryke @ 3:16 AM

Monday, July 12, 2004

emotionally d1Ge$ting BEEF :)


we all know beef. its what's for dinner! unfortuantely that is not the kind of beef i'm talking about. its conflict, the only kind of beef i dont like (go carnivores!). as we slide down the spiral playground slide that is this mortal coil, a person will undoubtedly encounter some kind of strife that will end in hurt emotions and and some sort of conflict. that is life. the problem i have found is that this is really hard to accept. all my life is i have spoken my mind and had off center beliefs. this sort of personality is always a target and that is unfortunate, but that is not the real issue. the real issue seems to be how to deal with it. recently i have had to re-visit some old beefs from the past (beef jerky! lol).

'just when i think i'm out they drag me back in' - one of the Godfather flix.

i have never really been a guy that runs away from this sort of thing but i may be wrong. the sort of guy i am may be the perfect guy to do this. spinning my wheels in mud that i have already driven through is not what i want to do. in reallity the concept that i'm trying to relay is one of forgetfullness. this my friend is not a cop-out just the only way to remain sane. ive worked hard in my life to escape the fate of my own personality. we all know what happens to the squeeky wheel after it squeeks too many times, it gets changed. i guess what i'm trying to say is that BEEF is not just a problem that everyone has, it really is whats for dinner! so just pony up and chow down. there is no escape. Pass the salt!

posted by deryke @ 6:15 PM

Sunday, July 11, 2004

m3 @nd my shadXw me & me


a man cannot hide from much, especially himself. you can hide from the tax man, the world, your friends, and even the student loan guys, but not from the one 'person' that will always find you...... you. in your dreams is where that fatefull rendezvous ends up happening. that dark alley you duck in to avoid the rush of the busy street is where it all goes down. as you pass into the void where all the jellybean faries and smart caring strippers live is where the ambush takes place. as he beats you over the head with a bag of loose ends, unrequited love, and old bills, one has to ask himself... "Who is this asshole?"

posted by deryke @ 1:51 PM

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

(>'.')>* come and get it ! things not to do


today i had a bit of a startle a plane crashed in the general direction of an ex's house. the first thing that went through my head was 'oh my god! i hope shes ok'. the kind of thing that a person would think about a very close friend. well the problem is that after it hit me i felt like the biggest moron. let me tell you why, this person has the exact opposite feeling tward me. that lil bout of empathy really make me feel like an ass. so now what?
well what not to do...

1) feel lame - i dont want to hate this person. in fact its very much the opposite, i want to care.
2) care - i dont want to play myself like that
3) listen to me - feelings are feelings and i cant fix that so i guess its better to worry than hate or avoid it.

i really enjoy being a caring human being. i hope that does'nt go away

i'm fucked (>'.')> just chasin' sanity

posted by deryke @ 11:36 PM

Saturday, July 03, 2004

~things i don't know '~' ?

a whole fuckin' lot!

posted by deryke @ 11:08 PM