Wednesday, February 09, 2005

1n th3 d@rk ligature marks and theft

... what was it like when your dreams began to come true?

my father died when i was only two and i was raised by my mother all my life. i have no brother or sister. my only family are my friends and they mean the world to me.

as long as can remember i have wanted to be an artist. maybe a painter or a cartoonist. is just did'nt matter. growing up the idea of college was never really on the table for me, but i'm not one of those people that listens to the truth or even lives in everybody else's reallity. until reallity bit me in the ass. really, really hard.

ring ring ring
'deryke you need to get to the hospital.' it was my best friend's girlfriend's sister.
'XXXX just tried to kill himself. we found him in his room this morning. there was a lot of blood and ... well... he... *sobbing*'
'i'll be right there' i dropped to my knees as if pushed by every molecule in the universe.

i drove over the bridges as fast as my car would take me. i dont remember alot about it. all i could feel was the pain in my chest and the hot deep burning of my eyes and soul. i couldnt believe the viscious ways of world or the sad depths of my friend's mind. i didnt even know if he was going to survive. i never asked. i just raced to the hospital like i was on fire. i think maybe i was.

the hospital had limited parking and the spot i got was behind the place and i wasnt sure where it was as i left it. the front desk was sterile smelling and the nurses all looked like zombies clad in white polyester. i was in turmoil and all they could do was smile at me like the undead hallmark cards that they are. my friend was dying and it was all i could do to not start punching people.

when i got to XXXX's room his family was there and so was his chick (the reason for all this BTW) and her sister. i almost collapsed. XXXX looked up at me and said ...

'hey' in a strained and garbled voice. his motion and voice were slow and labored.

he reached up to scratch his head and that was when i could see the terror in wich the whole thing had taken place. there were scabbed uneven stitches on his wrists. every blood vessel in his eyes was busted from the rope. ligature marks on his neck and the ruddy 'gin blossoms' on his face from the preassure of the confined blood under his skin. i began to cry. not loudly, just with my eyes. all i could think of was the day we met in junior high during an ill-fated paddle tennis game that we both won because we met each other. then i came back to the room in a quiet flash...

'you ok?'
'what do you think?'
'so, no surfing tomorrow?'
'no, i dont think so.'
'i love you man'
'i know'

i was afraid to touch him. he looked so delicate with all the tubes and the bruising. i had never seen him like that. i stayed for a while longer and heard what had happened. since this is not a horror story i will not go into detail but it was violent, disturbing, and sad. i still dont exactly know how or why but those are not my questions to ask. i was just there for my best buddy.

the girl who called me walked me to my car. when we got there i realized that my car had been broken into and vandalized behind the hospital. they had taken my guitar, my stereo, and trampled all my new paintings that i had used to apply to college the week before. the ignition switch was broken out and the car was undriveable. there was even a broken window to add insult to injury. my friend could see the look on my face. i was losing it. i wept like the muslim women on the news weep. with the weight of all that is sad and unforgiven. for all the worlds horrors and all the worlds pain. i was a big black lightning rod shooting wet loud sparks from my broken heart. i was surprised that she didnt lose it with me. i still admire her for being strong for my sake. usually girls that beautiful aren't that understanding.

she decided i couldnt drive (she was right) so she asked if she could take me home and we'd just just call someone to go get my car. i asked if we could stop by my mother's to see if i had any mail or messages since i was in town. no one was home so i grabbed the mail and got back into the car.

'you get anything?'
'yeah i couple of things. but who cares?'
'whats that?'

i looked down and it was from the school i had applied to. it read:

'Deryke Cardenaz, we are happy to let you know that you have been accepted to the blah blah blah... and so on.'

i know i should have been happy but i just couldnt be, in fact i didnt even feel the opposite like in the movies. i just looked over at my friend and i kisssed her. i kissed her hard so hard it was frightening. she came back with the same intensity and we began to sadly and angrily be together right there in the car, right there on my street. we did'nt care who saw and we didnt care what happened next. it was the strangest thing that i have ever done and we still dont talk about it to this very day.

the only explanation that i can can come up with was that we were hurt. hurt as caring human beings and as people who used to look at the world with rose colored galsses in the prime of our youth. with all the time in the world to be innocent and eveything to gain and discover. the events of that day shatterd those dreams and let us both know that all we have is now and each other and that was the way things were going to be from now on and for the rest of our lives.

... in to the darkness i run.