Tuesday, February 01, 2005

the fraud, the fat boy, & me

... welcome to the morning during

'buuuzzzzzzzzzzzzz grrrrrrr buuuzzzzzzzzzzzzz'
the alarm is coming from my cell.
why feet are not cooperating and my head is on thier side. every bone in my body aches and tells me off. this is my first day on my own.

the tide has turned and is now flowing out to sea with me in tow. i cant fight it because i have not the strength. i cannot protest because my mouth is at fault. i cannot fathom it because my mind is too small. all the flailing in the world will not save me now.

the fraud is angry and the lil fat boy is crying in the corner of my room and there is nothing i can do. being sincere is off the table along with my dignity and self control. the day after christmas has never been so far from my expectations. my world is new and different and coffee is calling from the next room. the fraud and the fat boy follow me to the kitchen to see if we all can enjoy a moment without the deffening melancholy noise.

i pour all of us a cup of coffee. the fat boy takes sugar, of course, and the fraud lies and says he doesn't want any but i pour it anyways knowing it is a lie. we sit and take the first bitter sweet sip from old mugs from old times. our eyes meet over the steamy cups as we sit around the empty kitchen table. the fraud glares at me and begins to yell.

'what is your fucking problem?'
the fat boy keeps sobbing
'i dont know. i'm sorry'
that is all i can muster as my eyes fall back to my cup.
the fat boy keeps on weeping into his chubby lil hands and mutters 'why? why? why did you let this happen?'

i dont fully understand myself but the picture is becoming clearer and it's not going to be easy for quite sometime. i have to brush my teeth. i have to pick up the pieces. the fraud looks at me as i get up from the table.

'i hate you. i really hate you'
the fat boy stops crying and says 'i hate you too'

i cant even give them a straight answer because it is my fault. they stare at me intently as i walk to the bathroom and shut the door. the toothpaste pokes its head out of the tube and refuses to get on the toothbrush.'you too huh?' the sharp taste of the paste makes me gag a bit and then it happens. i look up at my red, puffy face in the mirror with my foaming mouth and all i can say is...

'i hate you too'

i can still hear the fat boy and the fraud in the kitchen but soon they will fade and leave me all alone again. after i finish brushing i sit down on the couch and begin to plan the rest of my life ... again.