Sunday, January 02, 2005


... to my #1 reader that hates my guts. yes, you ... d.e.

i tried to reach out to an old friend, and it failed miserably. you would think that after you spend a certain amount of time (quality time may i add) with a loved one they may not spend the rest of thier lives trying to forget that you even existed. well that doesnt always apply. for some it may just be easier to forget than accept failure. as for me its easier to just be nice and hope that newer more platonic memories take the place of the old and the re-blossoming of an awesome friendship would occur. (now you hear a loud wrong answer buzzer!!!!)

there is one major flaw with my well placed intentions, they are indeed mine and not her's. yes this is mostly for me. my horrible, disgusting, vulnerable, mis-guided emotions. sarcasm aside and reality in the front, lets just say that when i have someone in my life that shared that much emotion, time and joy, i want to be at least on a good note with them. its probably the idea of when i really fall in the big L with someone (for reals) i keep them in my heart forever. that is the romace in my heart that has not died yet (i say 'yet' because the inevitability is overwhelming). it seems that the ship may have sailed on that whole idea of the friendly ex and the reality of love in so-cal for me. all i ever wanted was to stop hiding when i see her or have to hear from friends about seeing her around. that sux. i just wanted to know that she knows i cared and that the love i felt was true and all the dumb mistakes and mis-steps that i had taken were all about myself and that if my insensitivity has anyway made her life worse. i am sorry.

i never knew being sorry was such an insult and that i as a person i dont even desreve a shot of saying it out loud. i always thought that the mark of a man had alot to do with the responsibility he takes for his actions. maybe not i guess. all i can say is that i tried. i leave you with this quote i have found on a coffe mug that sits on my desk ...

"the spirit of nursing comes from the heart"

i dont know where that leaves me or the reader but i hope its true enough to make this entry worth it. i miss you and i tried. as lame as it sounds i'm here for you and thats all.- deryke

and to the other readers i'll try to put an end to the schlocky posts but i cant promise you anything.- dc9thousand